Twenty-somethings wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for Mommy! In honor of all of the beautiful women who have been with us through the good times, bad times, drama, milestones, and everything in between, here’s some Mother’s Day humor. I can’t take credit for them (found them here), but absolutely had to share.
Happy Mother’s Day!!!!
Fun Facts About Mother’s Day
1) The Mother’s Day holiday was first conceived by an American woman named Anna Jarvis in 1907, but didn’t become an official holiday until 1914, when President Woodrow Wilson’s mom finally managed to guilt him into it.
2) Mother’s Day is celebrated in 43 countries around the world. The other 153 celebrate the more traditional “Is Dinner Ready Yet Day”
3) Mother’s Day is officially designated the 2nd Sunday in May, rather than on a fixed calendar day, because if you want something fixed, you should call your dad.
4) Mothers secrete large amounts of a hormone called “oxytocin” during childbirth, which is responsible for the feeling of love a mother has for her offspring. It also spikes on those rare occasions when your clothes make it into the hamper instead of landing on a nearby patch of floor.
5) Although different languages have different words for “mother”, all of them start with the letter “M”. Except on Jerry Springer, where they usually start with “B”.
6) Mother’s Day ranks as the third most popular holiday in the world, after Christmas and Easter. It would rank higher were it not for the fact that there’s no such thing as leftover Mother’s Day candy.
7) In many Christian countries, Mother’s Day is associated with the Feast of Virgin Mary, except in America where it’s associated with the Binge of Ben & Jerry’s.
8) In Arab countries, the highlight of Mother’s Day is the “Burka Breakdance Contest.” If you’ve ever done a headspin in sand, you know how hard it is to win this thing.
9) Although mother chimpanzees, like human mothers, enjoy long-lasting relationships with their babies, they don’t celebrate Mother’s Day because their offspring are too busy plotting the Monkey Apocalypse to pick up a phone and call.
10) Maria del Carmen Bousada Lara from Spain gave birth to twin boys when she was 66 years old on December 29th, 2006, making her the world’s oldest birth-mother. On Mother’s Day 2007, she was presented with a solid chocolate rocking chair.
11) The most popular gift-flower on Mother’s Day is the red carnation. If you don’t have red carnations, most mothers will be just as happy with a nice red cabernet.
12) The Nazi government in Germany used to present an award called the Mother’s Cross on Mother’s Day to encourage women to have more children. Allied governments handed out maids & babysitters. Guess which one worked better?
13) In Paraguay, Mother’s Day is celebrated on May 15th, the Independence Day of the country, when many mothers enjoy a special treat of waking up to fireworks in bed.
14) Long ago, people in England honored their mothers with a wild, drunken day of celebration called “Mothering Sunday,” which was followed immediately by “Shhh! Mommy’s Got a Hangover Monday”.
15) The average number of children born to women over a lifetime in the US is 2.03. Coincidentally, the average number of disappointing Mother’s Day gifts a woman receives over a lifetime is… somewhat higher by several orders of magnitude.
16) There are 17,124 florists in the US. On Mother’s Day, all of them will have nothing but black-spotted, wilty, petal-dropping flowers left. Why didn’t you plan ahead, you thoughtless, ungrateful child!
17) On average, 43,000 births each year in the US occur someplace other than a hospital, which can only be blamed on the negative influence of ratings-hungry television dramas.
18) Ancient Egyptians believed that “Bast” was the mother of all cats on Earth, and that cats were sacred animals, possibly explaining why the traditional Egyptian Mother’s Day gift is a dead mouse.
19) Many of the sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on the popular television show, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, were actually knitted by his real mother. Every year on Mother’s Day, he would give her a pair of scissors and beg her to cut the apron strings.
20) Having 4 official languages, various regions of Switzerland celebrate either Muttertag, La Festa Della Mamma, Fête des Mères, or Gimme Some Damn Chocolate Day.
21) Mother’s Day is the largest card-sending day of the year. It’s also the day postal sorting machines are most likely to become jammed with macaroni and glitter.
22) In Ethiopia, Mother’s Day is celebrated by having mothers anoint themselves with butter. Just my opinion, but if they added flour, sugar, eggs, chocolate chips, and 10 minutes at 350 degrees, it’d be a much better holiday for everyone.
23) According to the most recent census, there are 85.4 million mothers in the United States. Despite all of them fondly recalling the birth of their children, all of them have, at one time or another, asked their non-door-closing offspring if they were born in a barn.
Let’s try to be a little less annoying than Stewie is….